I am writing this at a time when I can’t think straight, I can’t comprehend the details I’m receiving, and I can’t seem to carry well the weight of my head physically. I had a panic attack last night, which led me to find a pattern in this panic dilemma. It occurs for one reason—fear.
What do I fear? Many things. But all of them point to my relationship with the person with whom I share a life of romance, Julian.
I love him. And this love has evolved over time. However, with this inevitable evolution comes an immense fear and sorrow for the perceived negative outcome might this romance come to an end. None of it is real. That’s what I’d like to say. Or hope. But my mind presents me with different possibilities of how this could go.
I want to spend the rest of my life with him. Whenever I see him on my phone, I see a man who’s doing his best to live right. He’s a wonderful human being. We share some values that are similar. We want to live a simple yet joyful life. We both have a special regard for peaceful living. Zen, if you may. While I relish the idea of growing old with this man, I do not fancy the visual of his life outside of what he shares with me.
I adore the idea of trusting him to be the man in the picture. This picture shows an old old sitting on a bench facing a sunset in pink and orange hues and a field of wildflowers and greens. I want him to be the one holding my hand as I face everything life brings me. Is that too much to ask?
However, I may be living in an illusion. A dream I desire to build. A perfect haven where all is set according to my own volition. Julian has been teaching me that nothing is within my control. I do not control him nor my future or our future. Building a life together means merging our lives together, which means accepting his past and him as himself. From thereon, we build the lives we mutually desire. That’s what it means by “partnership.” Partnering with him means loving him to all his edges.
In the past few months, I’ve seen things that caused me to fear. They mostly are about his spiritual values and past. Things we do not share. Yet also the things that made him who he is today. Things that are tremendously, nonnegotiably unacceptable to my sphere of influence. I fear the idea of him influencing me with his spiritual values. He despises my beliefs as well. That’s the biggest thing that’s ripping us apart.
I could never be a part of his circle of friends and that might take a toll on our relationship as my vision is to create new friendships with me. I could never join him in his festivals and pursuits with his friends. That has been a painful thought for me all this time. It has made me focus on our differences and incited in me an idea that we may not work out.
I began to see my ideals in a clearer view as well as the characteristics of a person that may fit with Julian perfectly, traits that are beyond me. I started to create an image of the same for me—the person who fits all my criteria perfectly. One who does not practice any vice. Does not smoke, drink, gamble, or every dangerous pursuit one could think of. Someone who admires God as I do and lives for Him. One who shares exactly the same mindset and values in all areas of life. The person who basically lives to fill all the gaps and spaces inside of me and completes me. Someone fresh and does all to show me that someone is capable of loving me so much that worry and fear could never have any place in our relationship. But does he even exist? Or do I even deserve him if he does? A part of me wants to believe this person exists. I want to believe that God actually prepared this particular person for me long before I even started breathing. Yet a huge part of me also wants to set this idea aside.
I want it to be my love, my Julian. By “it”, I mean the silhouette of the person whose shoulders I lay my head on at the bench as we watch the beautiful sunset, old and grey. No matter how perfect the ideal person in my head is, my heart still longs for my Vision. My INFJ. My techie guy who’s often confused about a lot of things. His quirks, jokes, and innocent smiles melt my heart. Oh, how I find joy catching those. Their rarity makes them so special.
Julian has sorrows of his own and I have this tugging force inside to join him in his grieving and growth and carry some of those pains with him. I desire to see his genuine smile more frequently if not every single time I see him. I seem to aspire to hold him whenever he’s anxious and embrace him when he’s exhausted. I could not define love in its true nature but these appear to be the visible manifestations of it. And these, by themselves, begotten by love itself, are the precursors to its transformation as time goes on and as we both grow in it.
I’m starting to feel more accepting. I’m starting to understand where all my fears are coming from and why they existed. These resurfaced my sense of identity and what really matters to me—the desires of my heart and how I can connect that with his. I’m starting to accept that we are both still in pain, have holes in our hearts, do not share the same idea in everything, and that we are two different individuals just sharing a life and a vision of a future together.
If you really think about it, it’s actually exhilarating. This whole “sharing a life together” thing—two people mutually desiring to have each other’s backs every single waking day and trusting each other to be there whatever happens.
I know what I want. I want to share this with the person to whom I express those manifestations of love. I want to wake up every day choosing him no matter what.